April’s Guests; How Are You, Really?

How are you?

That one simple question. It makes you think, doesn’t it? Well for others a ‘Fine Thank You’ would suffice. It normally would for me too. But not today. Today I’ll be honest and give an answer that really depicts how I am.

Everyone wants an occupation, something you can delve into daily and pour your heart into it and hopefully enjoy it at the same time. It gives people value and a sense of belonging. A sense of taking care of ones own needs. Well I lack that. I could delve into how I got into this situation but what is more relevant is that I am here. Now. I can tell you that after 2 and a half years of independence, this was the last thing on my mind, this situation right here. I can honestly say my job search is going. Just going. Five months down the line and I can’t seem to find a company that wants me. It hurts to say the least. In more ways than can be fully articulated. So you ask how am I, really? I am not fine.

I have been blessed with family that is always there, always consistent, always has my back. I live with my cousin and her family. She has 3 beautiful daughters aged 8, 6 and 3. These girls have become my little lights at the end of every day. Watching them parent, I have a new found respect for mothers and fathers and the roles they play in their children’s lives. I especially have a new resolve to ensure my future children grow up with their future father. I cannot overstate the effect that a present dad has on the kids. I certainly have an even stronger respect for those fathers who are present and active in their children’s lives. All I can do is try and be the best Aunt that I can be and learn from my cousin and her husband, and pray to God to help me (when my time comes) to be a good parent. Did I mention I am single? Yeap. I can hear the laughter now. It reminds me of some meme I saw “if you’re already planning on your wedding and your single please stop HARUSI-NATING”. But hey, better to be prepared than to not be, I guess.

Recently my relationship with Christianity/religion has been sort of rekindled. This one is a sensitive issue at this point in my life. Sometimes I ask myself, where is God, does he see me, know me, see what I’m going through? It hurts even more when I see him come through for other people, people who just pray and things happen. Is it that my prayers don’t reach the required height or did my share of His blessings get apportioned to those lucky ones? Do I have to pretend to live a certain way so that I can receive His blessings? He would know that I’m pretending anyway, after all He is the almighty isn’t He? Seeing as how I’ll be turning 29 this year and feel like I am nowhere near where I would have wanted to be. Let’s just say, the Jury in my mind is still out on this one. So how am I, really? Not fine.

Someday I’ll be able to say I’m fine and mean it.

At the end of the day, when I sit down and analyze my current situation, the only thing that keeps me going is HOPE. I know I deserve better and hope that this better will find its way to me, sooner rather than later. At this point I’m living one day at a time, trying to be grateful for what I do have and trying not to over think things too much. And oh, taking pleasure in small joys like Minions! And King Julian! Yeah! So I guess someday I’ll be able to say I’m fine and really mean it.

An honest piece written by the beautiful Nyawira Wa Gathoni. Find and follow her on Twitter and on her brand new Blog.