The world is in uproar, has been for a while. There seems to be a discord in various societies around the world about the same thing; good men. “Where are all the ‘good’ men?” “The ‘real’ men?” “Why cant I find a man who knows what it means to be a man?” I would have loved to tell you that I have found the answer and it is somewhere on this article, but there is no simple solution to this problem. No one sentence that will solve this pandemic. I agree that good men are in short supply. Aggravating this fact is the on going of the war against the ‘nice guy’.
Now now, I see you rolling your eyes and thinking this is one of ‘those’ articles, but before you close this tab let me tell you what this post isn’t about;
1. This is not an attempt to tell women who to date or marry.
2. This is not a boohoo article to make you feel sorry for anyone.
3. This is not a whinny piece about being friend-zoned or any other zone kids come up with these days.
I do not exclusively put myself in the nice guy club but this is however an attempt at rectifying that stereotype. A stereotype that always finds itself up against the canvas guarding against punches that wont stop coming. This is an attempt to answer the questions in the first paragraph that society is grappling with. But how legitimate are these questions? Is true that there are no good and real men? Is it feasible that 3 billion people are all ‘players’? Are we in such dire times that settling for pain and hurt is acceptable? Or is it more comprehensible that our prioritize are aligned to meeting these kinds of men. That we have fallen into social norms that are actually poisonous to us. I am inclined to the latter part of the argument.
When the theories that all men are dogs and all men are the same crumbled (they have right?) what was left were the jerks and the nice guys. A lot of women despise nice guys because they perceive them as weak, boring with hidden agendas as to their niceness. While jerks are considered fun, interesting, dangerous even. With jerks, I am told, the hurt that WILL come is usually not a surprise. This is better apparently. But isn’t it funny how the world points a finger to the nice guy and takes him to trial for being nice, while the jerk’s character and motives are never questioned? The argument is never ‘why I keep falling for jerks’, it’s ‘what’s up with the weirdo nice guy’. These kind of women speak so highly of jerks but have they ever thought about what the jerks think of them when they keep going back? If I keep hurting you and you keep coming back for more there is no way I think highly of you.
Women, you can date whomever you want. You owe no allegiance in that respect. One possible answer to the above questions is that the real and good men are right in front of you. But remember that you cannot make a gentleman out of a jerk. You have to choose one. And once you do choose, you have to be a sheep about the consequences. Blaming 3 billion people for choices you made out of experiencing fun and danger is unfair and a little imbecilic.
What’s that? Who is a nice guy then you ask? I got you covered…
A nice guy doesn’t do things for a ‘reward’. There are no strings attached for walking you home. No ‘extras’ for giving a shoulder for your tears, no gimme tactics for changing your tire on a rainy day in a flooded Nairobi. Okay, so a flooded Nairobi is kind of a stretch, you may need to pay them for that! If a guy expects or even demands something in return for being nice to you, they are not nice guys.
A nice guy doesn’t get offended by being friend-zoned. Unless of course they were led on. And after friend zoning the guy, saying things like “why aren’t there more men like you” or “I wish I could find someone like you” or “Where can I find a man like you” while dating or wanting someone of the opposite personality is both insensitive and insincere. Would you decline a great job offer while saying “I wish I could find a job like this”? Totally logical, right?
Being nice doesn’t mean bending over backwards to everyone’s will. That’s what we call an invertebrate. Being generous, emotionally supportive, non confrontational, loyal, respectful, honest, gentle and ASSERTIVE are what nice guys are all about and I admit that these things have become alien like in the world we live in today. Isn’t it amazing that people would rather be treated like debris from an abandoned mental asylum than human beings? It is even more sad as in Africa these thing were once revered.
Nice guys don’t pretend to be nice. They just are and make no apology for it. They aren’t being nice for you, they are doing it for themselves. It’s who they are and its what makes them. If you cannot handle nice, that’s YOUR problem. Women, and I am talking about real women, not half baked women, know their real worth and never sell themselves short for the sake of “fun” and ”excitement”. Life is about much, much more.
Nice guys will rarely claim to be nice. You will see it clearly by their actions and not by words. Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t repeatedly claim he is strong now does he?
Nice guys know they are not perfect, but neither is the girl or the jerk. Pedestals are for fools. It’s a fact that no one is all good or all nice or all bad. Certain situations will demand certain responses and certain sections of our character to be revealed. That being said, a nice guy will steer clear (in terms of wanting a relationship) of girls who always seem to fall for the bad boy because he recognizes that it says more about the girl than the man.
Being nice isn’t the only quality of a nice guy. In fact the term nice guy is inadequate in description as it does not cover the many facets of a person. It isn’t enough to just be nice. It takes other qualities mentioned somewhere above. You cannot woo by just being nice, you get people’s interest more by being yourself. And when the ‘niceness’ is genuine, other genuinely real people, and not just women, will gravitate towards the nice guy.
Nice guys never ‘finish’ last because a). It’s not a competition and b). It isn’t about finishing, it’s about how you get there. The journey not the destination. You’ll never get to heaven with a broken heart. But priorities are different I suppose.
The notion that nice guys are boring is inaccurate. Nice guys ARE challenging and interesting. Being hurt and nursing a broken heart every weekend is challenging? Nah man. Try being truthful and loyal everyday of your life, those are the real challenges. It doesn’t sound sexy does it? But some of the hurt we experience are self inflicted, all because we want what we want and we are too much of cowards to say no to those desires. Those things are but little (if not insignificant) specs of what life is about. Small things interest small minds.
Nice guys are open to change, but will never change to get the girl. They love who they are and the thing that they do not like about themselves are constantly being worked on. If someone does not take you for who you are, then it is worthless giving them your all. It is worthless giving them anything actually.
“Dont change so people will like you, Be yourself and the right people will love the real you”
As first published on akomanet.com (beta site) written by me!!