I have written a lot about my past, little about my present and nothing concrete about my future. Truthfully, I am still trying to figure out how to write my future in words that my readers will understand because I feel that I have that mental picture in my head, I have that sense of what kind of person I want to be, who I want others to see, but translating it into words is a tad bit tricky. But fear not my noble friends, it will come.
The other aspect I haven’t really delved into as well is my present; where I am, what am all about, steps I want to take, changes I have made and which ones I am planning to make in the immediate future. And this is what this post is all about. Every so often I will feel the need to embellish you with information of my present, which in my opinion will be the boring of the four (past, present, future and possibly fiction). Now, let me put here a disclaimer and tell you that I will speak as honestly as I can. I have been asked severally why I choose to write so candidly, “Don’t you feel like you are exposing yourself too much?” “Aren’t you embarrassed?” Well that is the whole point of my blog. I am not there yet but I want to tell my story, my way with as much honesty as I can. And I also have responsibility to not only my readers and fans, but those who will read my story in the future. (Because I am going to be famous and everything.. hehehe..)
Also, after rereading this I feel the need to just put it here that you may have gone though something tougher or weirder and you are reading this and thinking, “You haven’t been through squat! I can tell you stories!” First, maybe you should, hehe.. but second and more importantly I believe that we each go through stuff to teach us something specific about ourselves. Maybe I wouldn’t have made it if I went through what you did or maybe you’d have changed differently if you went through what I did. We all go through good and awful times, am just here to share mine.
So where am I?
1. Career and Work.
It never struck my mind that I would ever enter a classroom as a teacher and it still feels odd when someone says “habari mwalimu” on my way to work. I have painfully still not mastered the art of writing horizontally on the board to the amusement of the kids. They aren’t yet familiar with sarcasm which means I had to find alternative means of comedy. I am no where near being paid a six figure salary, nor am I spending my weekends in resorts or out of town.
For all the don’t compare yourself to others cliché advice, I find it hard not to compare myself to others. I think it is a basic human emotion that needs such a strong will to resist. People are moving up their respective corporate ladder, getting married, getting kids, building homes and creating successful businesses and brands, flying out for holidays and I am here writing about it. There is no one that I know who doesn’t want a better life for themselves and I feel like am at the point that I struggle to be content with what I have versus being ambitious and wanting everything. How do you balance it?
But see, those kids do something to me. Seeing them learn something new everyday has become such a joy. I have found them using shortcuts on the keyboard, recording themselves, taking pictures and doing so much more than what I have taught them. There is a certain satisfaction I get when I do my reports and realize that we are actually making progress. I feel like at least I am doing something in this world, not just for myself but for someone else.
I love my job and I am not where I want to be, not where I expected to be, but nothing beats that feeling.
That plus I don’t have to go to work on Mondays!!
So in recent years I have lost more friends than I can dare to count. Some more close than others. There was always that melancholic pull to go it alone, one that says that you do not need so many friend at the least, and I should have listened on many occasions but I didn’t’. So I learnt it the hard way. Back stabbing, false rumors, ‘friends’ who believed them, threats, falling out, quarrels, loosing touch, loosing interest, I just about went through everything. Some were easier to deal with and some still burn. They left a mark.
But I am nothing else if not a phoenix.
It did not tear me apart. New streams of life are starting to flow. Forming new friendships, albeit carefully. And with these I am writing a different kind of future. Not one that was written for me. None that someone had imagined they had condemned me to. I am also learning this thing called trust. For you see the greatest loss was not to lose friends but to lose myself and trust in others, and I wish I could promise myself that it will never happen again, but I we all know I can’t.
One step at a time though, or as I like to say one foot in front of the other.
3. Love life.
What can I say? Its been years since I was in a relationship and most of that time I had no particular desire to be in one, compounded by the fact that three years ago I attempted to ‘get back in the game’ and I failed miserably as you read in this piece. Its never been the same really. I went through a dark period of months after that incident and well the truth is my views on a lot of things shifted, specifically ladies and relationships.
Where I am right now?
Frankly, I got tired of the phase I went through. I grew tired of talking about it and am tired of having to ignore opportunities because I am suspicious. I wanted to be who I was before, but wiser. I wish I could forget. And I definitely wish I could forgive, especially myself for letting it happen. So I chose to let go.
So am back. Moving stealthily because its like I have become a newbie at this again. But it is a good thing. I promise to keep you updated…
I am back to writing which is something I have been meaning to do. It is hard though, I am not used to this kind of writing, I used to write poetry and a little of music. And even so it has been over five years since I penned down anything. So this kind of writing is new to me. Hopefully though it will be something great.
And with writing comes a great reading thirst. Granted am not really big on books and this and that writer, I prefer articles about specific people and events, especially historical. Assassinations, revolutions, men behind the greatest events in history, wars and famous battles, eras and dynasties. Its all very fascinating.
I attempted to step into a gym. You saw the word attempted right? ahahaha.. Deary me! I will tell you how it goes that in a few months.
Anyway, more than anything I am reminded that, “Broken things can become blessed things if you let God fix them.” And that’s what am about. I will let Him fix me because he knows best.